– By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)
Recently as I traveled toward downtown Calgary through a series of construction zones, I thought about how traffic signs and signals, rules of the road, motorist courtesy, and road condition, all work together to determine the ease of a commute. It seemed to me that when all of these factors are optimal, traveling in the city is a breeze. When one or more of these factors fail, stress levels tend to rapidly rise, and often, motorists begin to act out their frustration and/or anger in a number of ways. Depending on the severity of the situation, we might hear horns blaring, tires screeching, and see motorists inflaming each other by making angry gestures, unsafe lane changes, and darting through red lights. All of these reactions increase the risk of injury and loss of life.
Getting along in a relationship is a lot like getting along in traffic. We cannot make others responsible for our behavior or our emotions any more than we can credit or blame our driving behaviors on others. When we travel into a difficult situation in life, we have the option of shifting into a lower gear emotionally so that we can stay on track and avoid hurting ourselves or others. In life and in traffic, we find that we are constantly interfacing with others who are also traveling to a chosen destination. Our itineraries are almost always different and we quickly learn that cooperative skills are absolutely necessary for enjoyable and safe travel. Sometimes, we are in the main flow of traffic and notice others approaching in an outside lane. Skilled drivers learn to accommodate their interests with others who want to join the stream. In life and traffic, merging is a complex skill that demands a bilateral ability to consider personal concerns while also fairly responding to another’s concerns. Other situations require us to yield, to put our own goals aside temporarily so that we don’t endanger ourselves and others in our haste to reach a destination.
At intersections we would be on a collision course if we did not learn to observe red, green and amber traffic signals. In life, we could consider emotions like annoyance, impatience, and frustration as similar to the blinking amber that signals us to slow down because a red light is imminent. The habit of running emotional ambers, might seem to be effective for a while because we are able to keep going forward without interruption. Unfortunately, ambers usually accumulate if they are not attended to and eventually will become a throbbing, hurtful red. When we get to anger, a red light, it is important that we STOP to allow ourselves time to calm down. Breathe, focus on taking long, slow breaths until our heart rate drops. Drink water, taking enough time for it to cool us down, and get some exercise to help the body stabilize. Being self centered, (versus others centered), will be the most important step to take while sitting at the stop light. That is, before proceeding on a green light, we need to look into ourselves first before turning to listen to our partner’s side of the story. Five questions to ask include the following: Am I at risk for anger because I am overtired, hungry, overloaded, or because I have allowed a series of resentments to accumulate? Have I missed important information through misinterpreting or misunderstanding? How could I have contributed to the problem at hand? What could I do differently that would bring a different result? What exactly do I want here?
Life is a journey. Solid relational skills are absolute prerequisites for a pleasant first-class trip.