http://www.synergea.ca Sat, 18 May 2013 00:22:34 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 http://www.synergea.ca/bidding-for-stronger-relationships/ http://www.synergea.ca/bidding-for-stronger-relationships/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:07:20 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1795 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

For many of us, December is the busiest social time of the year. Our lives get even busier as we squeeze in all the extras – gift and food shopping, cleaning and decorating, house parties, staff parties, and school festivities. In spite of all the effort we make to get together socially with family, friends, and co-workers, we may not feel especially close. We hope that the following paragraphs will provide a few tools that will help you draw closer to the important people in your life. Dr. John Gottman describes a useful tool that he calls the “emotional bid”. Understanding how bidding works can help us to improve our relationships. The “bid” is an essential unit of emotional communication. To improve relationships, you need to understand the way you respond to others’ bids.

Do you recall the last time that someone important to you – a partner, child, parent, friend, or a co-worker asked for your attention? The request or bid for your attention might have been a look, a touch on the shoulder, a question, or statement. How did you respond?

Did you notice that he or she made a bid for emotional connection to you? Did you turn toward the bid? That is, did you provide a response of a few words to let the person know that they were heard? Were you attentive and provided your thoughts, feelings, or opinions regarding the situation? These responses indicate that you turned toward strengthening the relationship. Whether you responded with high energy, enthusiasm, sincere empathy, and affection to demonstrate that you were fully engaged or with a low energy response of a few words or a question to clarify, you made a step toward emotional connection with the person.

Did you notice the bid for connection to you but turned against it? Did you respond by anger or aggression, patronize with put-downs or insults, argue or become defensive? It is not surprising to hear that turning against responses to emotional bids are destructive to relationships.

If you did not notice the bid that was made toward you, you may have turned away from the relationship. Whether it was unintentional because you were preoccupied with something else (e.g., work, television etc.,) or intentional, ignoring the bid or responding with something irrelevant is the most destructive response to relationships.

So, what can you do to turn toward the emotional bids of others? First, collect emotional moments. That is, become more aware of emotional bids that others make to you. Second, recognize that turning toward bids will likely result in a more stable and long-lasting relationship and enable more humour, affection, and problem-solving in the relationship.

Understanding the way you respond to others’ bids is only part of the process of improving relationships, the other critical question to ask yourself is how do you make an emotional bid? The next Counsellors’ Corner will focus on useful tools to make clear and direct bids for connection with those important to you.]]> http://www.synergea.ca/bidding-for-stronger-relationships/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/creative-conversations/ http://www.synergea.ca/creative-conversations/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:02:47 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1793 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

Many people look forward to the New Year as a time to focus fresh energy on self-development.  Typical resolutions involve positive lifestyle changes such as committing to an exercise or weight loss program or dropping hazardous health habits like smoking or eating junk food.  January can also provide the impetus to learn new skills that hold the promise of improving important relationships in our lives, especially those with family, friends, and co-workers.

Last month we drew your attention to some subtle and more direct ways that others may be reaching out or “bidding” for connection with you.   Of course it is equally important to ask yourself, “How do I make bids for connection with others?”  When relationships need improvement, our energy often focuses on the other person – what he or she is not doing well.  We suggest that your energy is better spent by focusing on what you can control and improve ¾ your awareness and clear communication of your thoughts, feelings, observations, and opinions.  Remember that non-verbal bids send clear messages too!  Use affectionate and playful touch in the relationship, facial expressions, and even your daily connecting gestures (e.g., opening a door, handing over the remote etc.,) to show your care and interest.

In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie gives sage advice that will guide you as you increase your efforts to build more satisfying relationships.  He suggests that to become effective communicators, we need to focus on being interested, rather than on being interesting!! Becoming sincerely interested in learning about another’s perspective can do more for building connection with them than any other single factor.  It is encouraging to realize that conversational skill can be developed quickly and may be one of the most potent ways to bid for emotional connections with those we care most about. Here are some useful communication starters:

A penny for your thoughts… What’s your favorite…? How did you like…? What did you think about…?

What would you like to be doing in a year from now? Did you ever wonder…? I was thinking… I feel…

Have you noticed that questions we hear in everyday conversation, like “How was school?” “How have you been?” or “What’s new?” usually get one word or uninvolved responses?  It may be that pat answers (e.g., Fine, Great! or Not much!) are given mindlessly because the listener is not sure what you really want to know.  Instead, try asking something just a bit more specific to the individual, like “What did you do in English today?”, “Have you made any winter vacation plans this year?”

Good conversations, unlike dancing, involve patterns of shared leading and following.  As you exchange thoughts, feelings, and responses with one another, intimacy and emotional connection grows and deepens.  Your skill in drawing others out and showing sincere interest in them can give you a tremendous tool to use as you follow through on your resolution to develop solid emotional connections in the New Year.]]> http://www.synergea.ca/creative-conversations/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/learn-the-love-language/ http://www.synergea.ca/learn-the-love-language/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:01:25 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1791 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

“Hu tane prem karu chu”. Unless you speak Gujarati, a language from India, this sentence will leave you baffled. The English translation is, “I love you”. Through experience, we know how important it is for both speaker and listener to converse in the same language. This month we want to highlight the need to use common language whenever we want to communicate love.

In North America, February represents a time to express “I love you” to partners, friends, and family. Dr. Gary Chapman suggests that people speak and understand love in five love languages. In his book, The Five Love Languages, he describes differing expressions of love: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and receiving gifts. While we may use any or all the languages, each of us will have a primary love language. In many cases, your primary love language may differ from your loved one’s preferred style. Therefore, your loved one may not feel loved despite your genuine expression of love. In contrast, you may be loved but not feel loved. Clearly, it is essential that we learn, and communicate in, the love language of the person we love.

To discover your love language, notice how you show love. It is likely to be the same way you feel loved. Do you usually show your love by giving compliments, affirmations, kind words, or by writing notes or cards? When you are criticized, do you perceive that you are not loved? These responses indicate that your love language is words of affirmation.

If your love language is based primarily on quality time, you are likely to cherish one-to-one time with a loved one and you will try to share activities or have conversations where you can focus your attention toward each other. You may feel unloved with lengthy separations or unfocused time spent together even if your loved one tells you that you are loved.

Do you become upset when someone you love forgets about a special day or does not extend efforts to give meaningful gifts? If so, your primary love language may relate to receiving gifts. You value concrete, visual symbols of love. The gift represents that the person remembered you, and acted to show an expression of love for you. The gift of self or a loved one being present for you in time of crisis, or for support and encouragement, is just as powerful for you.

If you get into conflicts with loved ones regarding incomplete chores and feelings of not being helped in daily life activities (e.g., housecleaning, laundry, etc.), then acts of service may be your primary love language. If so, you feel cared for when a loved one says, “What can I do for you?” On the other hand, you feel unloved when your requests for help are ignored despite other expressions of love such as quality time, affirmations of words, etc. There is an important difference between expecting acts of service as expressions of love and manipulation or coercion based on guilt or fear. Also, be sure to examine your gender role stereotypes if this is your love language.

Does physical touch more than anything convey love to you? Touch is a powerful communicator of love and has healing properties. For you, being told “I love you” will have an impact, but not as much as being held, hugged, kissed, etc.

This Valentines Day, you may say “I love you” in many different ways. Your understanding of the five love languages can help you choose the perfect way to show how much you care.]]> http://www.synergea.ca/learn-the-love-language/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/overcoming-the-winter-doldrums/ http://www.synergea.ca/overcoming-the-winter-doldrums/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:59:43 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1789 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

As the month of March begins, the old saying, “March comes in like a lamb and out like a lion” reminds us that we are sure to have a few more wintry blasts ahead.  We can be reassured knowing that the long winter is almost over and a warmer season is just around the corner.  Before spring arrives, however, seasonal depression or “the blues” will affect many Calgarians, especially those who are less mobile. Overall, we tend to connect with family, friends, and neighbors less frequently during the winter season, and as a result, we may experience a significant drop in our sense of satisfaction with life. Let’s face it, subzero temperatures, icy sidewalks and slippery road conditions make getting out uninviting and potentially dangerous for most of us.

Being shut-in over the winter and being less socially active, may be a significant factor leading to seasonal depression.  Human beings are designed to be social beings.  In fact, our sociability begins at birth and is directly supported by our newborn physical characteristics. Mother Nature sets the stage for social connected-ness by bringing us into the world as cute and cuddly infants, with disproportionately large eyes, and a head-to-body ratio that caregivers find hard to resist.  Watch how adults and even elementary age children gather around a baby, and respond to it with touch and conversation as that baby cooes, smiles or gurgles.

Infants require a lot of touching to produce healthy emotional and physical development.  Touch continues to be critically important throughout the life-span.  As we grow and develop, we learn to accept other forms of recognition – a smile, a compliment – as additional means of satisfying our craving for physical touch or contact. Hunger for contact is so significant for all age groups, that when positive forms seem to be unavailable, people will seek out negative exchanges from others – a frown, an unkind remark – rather than receiving no contact at all.

Here are a few suggestions to help you ward off the winter blues by increasing the amount of positive physical and social contact you experience throughout the winter season.  You may want to use this list as a starting point to help you create your own guide to go to when you need a lift…

• When a chinook blows into town, take advantage and be sure to get out to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine.  Meet a friend and go for a walk.  Step outside and chat with a neighbour.
• Visit the tropical plant section at a garden center. While you’re there, strike up a conversation with other customers.  Begin planning your spring planting.
• Call someone you care about every day when you can’t get out.  Promise yourself that you won’t put your energy into talking about the weather.  Instead, focus on common interests.  Retell a joke and enjoy laughing together.
• Sometimes a hug from a friend, cuddling with your spouse, your parent, or your child would be a perfect pick-me-up.  Ask for it.  Chances are, they will benefit as much as you.
• Invite friends over for an evening of games, to watch and old video, or perhaps just to share a dessert.  Keep it simple – the idea is not to make work, but to enjoy one another’s company!

Keeping a thriving social network is an enjoyable and rewarding way of staying happy and maintaining your physical and emotional health.  You can’t control the winter weather, but with a bit of extra effort, you can certainly stay upbeat by staying in contact with those in your social circle.]]> http://www.synergea.ca/overcoming-the-winter-doldrums/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/your-colorful-personality/ http://www.synergea.ca/your-colorful-personality/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:58:27 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1787 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

As we anticipate the arrival of spring, we look forward to a burst of color as trees and shrubs begin to bud and as tulips and daffodils push their way through the soil.  Just as the spring landscape is painted with a vibrant pallet, Dr. Taylor Hartman guides readers of his book, The Color Code, to use colour as a new way to view the sweeping range of innate human characteristics.

Dr. Hartman suggests that people fit one of four personality types - Red, Blue, White, or Yellow.  His profile organizes personalities into color groupings by assessing strengths, limitations, and motives.  Hartman says that many people have characteristics of more than one type but that one core colour or motive will be predominant for each person.  Moreover, understanding our own and others’ colour profile, can help us to nurture our strengths and overcome our limitations.

What colour type best describes you? You may be Red if you are motivated by power and are most satisfied when quickly accomplishing tasks and being productive.  Reds want to be appreciated for their logic and practicality, and they seek leadership opportunities.  Sometimes other personality types perceive Reds as insensitive when their communications are brief, specific, direct, and noticeably unemotional.  Reds can enhance their personalities by improving their ability to connect socially or emotionally, reducing criticism or negativity, increasing praise, and by setting personal goals without being disappointed in others’ performance.

Are you motivated by intimacy or emotional connection? If so, you may be a Blue. Blues are caregivers who seek to help others despite personal sacrifice.  They are loyal, relationship-oriented, and have a strong sense of integrity or moral conscience.  In communication, they prefer that others are soft-spoken.  Blues need to allow lots of time to gather and express their thoughts and feelings.  They want to be sincerely appreciated by others. Blues can strengthen their character by increasing awareness of their thoughts, by reducing perfectionism, and by focusing on the task at hand rather than on interactions.

If you are motivated by peace, you may be a White.  Whites tend to be agreeable, avoiding confrontation at all costs.  They tend to be tolerant of others, need kindness in interactions, and are silently stubborn in the face of hostility.  Their quiet independence may be misunderstood as passive or ignorant because they do not go out of their way to seek others out. Gentle communication is preferred by Whites while harsh or angry leave-taking is distressing for them. Also, Whites are likely to give non-verbal cues about how they feel rather than be openly disagreeable or raise a verbal conflict.  Whites could strengthen by becoming assertive in response to conflicts and by becoming proactive rather than reactive.

Finally, if you are a Yellow, you are likely to be motivated by fun. Yellows seek out adventure, playfulness, and engagement.  They tend to be very verbal, enjoy being the center of attention, and may even bore easily. When others communicate with a Yellow, touch and praise are very important.  Also, they appreciate it when others accept their playful teasing, and are sensitive to the feelings they hold so deeply.  Yellows could benefit from prioritizing goals and setting aside time to complete “necessary” tasks, not only the fun ones.

Although we will have to wait to experience the colours to come in Spring and Summer, we can immediately appreciate the colours in ourselves and those around us.  To learn more about Dr. Hartman’s “Color Code”, follow the links below.

For basic information about the Color Code check www.hartmancommunications.com.

To see how the Color Code can help with workplace interactions, see

www.changeassociatescoaching.com/using%20the%20color%20code%20at%20work.doc.

This website, www.elcollie.com/html/Issue32.html, provides interesting thoughts from a diversity perspective.

Reference: The Color Code: A New way to See Yourself, Your Relationships, and Life by Taylor Hartman, PhD]]> http://www.synergea.ca/your-colorful-personality/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/parents-children-and-sport/ http://www.synergea.ca/parents-children-and-sport/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:56:56 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1785 Continue Reading]]> By Sharon Ashton and Dr. Raksha Dave-Gates

Each weeknight from dinner hour until dusk, community baseball diamonds and outdoor soccer fields will be filled with the sights and sounds of spring.  Children by the dozen gather at these seasonal events, spilling out of mini-vans and station wagons with energy and enthusiasm to burn.  On the cooler evenings, parents huddle under blankets while they visit with neighbours and watch their childrens’ team sports.  The crack of a bat or the thud of a foot on leather, is punctuated by excited spectator cheers and curt referee calls.

Even though they are not actual game participants, parents, grandparents, and bystanders can play powerful supporting roles in the healthy emotional development of each young player.  Their sideline chatter of encouragement will become the self-talk that the child will rehearse when managing the inevitable achievements, setbacks, and defeats that come and go throughout life.

As children grow and develop, they have a number of “jobs” to accomplish at each developmental stage. This month we will focus on how team sports can provide marvelous opportunities to work at many of the tasks that are important from ages six through twelve.  During these years children need to learn new skills, learn from their mistakes, and decide that they want to be capable in whatever they choose to do.  They need to practice listening for information, to experience the consequences of breaking rules, and to develop internal controls.

As parents (or coaches) we should expect children to challenge, argue, and dispute the rules we set.  Because many parents are either coaches or enthusiastic and emotional spectators, they will have ample opportunities to demonstrate how to express objections assertively, respectfully, and maturely.  No doubt there will be times when parents or coaches will be bursting to challenge an official’s decision or an interpretation of the rules.  In those moments, remember to take time to breathe and think before plummeting into the behaviour patterns of the still-learning six-year old!  Your restraint will demonstrate to them the importance of picking their battles.  From you, they will learn to discriminate when it is important to disagree and how to express their thoughts and feelings about something that is important to them.

What are some important parent or coach behaviours to monitor?  For both parents and coaches, be watchful about insisting on perfection.  Instead, provide lots of love and encouragement for each child’s efforts to learn new skills.  Even though team sports and activities are tremendous experiences for children, parents should be careful not to completely fill-in their children’s extra-curricular time.  Children need unstructured time to discover and explore on their own or with peers.  Finally, encourage your children to develop in an area of their own interest.  As a first priority, find a teacher or coach who displays an enthusiastic and encouraging manner.  A second priority is to find someone who is an effective skill-builder and who insists on quality performance from students.

Children who are consistently encouraged and enthusiastically supported develop the perception that they are capable and that the significant others in their lives believe in them.  They learn to believe in their own ability to succeed, grow, and develop.  Their self-confidence will be the most significant benefit they will acquire from all of the time they devote to team sports!

To read more about parenting and coaching in the area of youth athletics, follow the links below:

www.youthsport.com/parentsguide.html

www.spraguesportspsych.com/Parenting%20Your%20Athlete%20Articles.html

www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/sports/preventburnout.html]]> http://www.synergea.ca/parents-children-and-sport/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/friendship-throughout-the-lifespan/ http://www.synergea.ca/friendship-throughout-the-lifespan/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:55:25 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1783 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

Some of the most important people in our lives are friends.  While some friends last a lifetime, others may come and go.  Some friends may even vary by season. As summer time approaches, through activities like soccer, golf, backyard barbeques, and visiting the local playground with our children, we may rebuild or create friendships that may have been dormant through the winter season. Regardless of when our friends join us; friendship during any period in our lifetime is invaluable.  In fact, having a confidante and an active social support systemare powerful buffers to depression!

Throughout the lifespan, whether at 5 years or 85 years, and regardless of whether the quantity or quality of contact varies, people maintain friendships. On average, we are likely to have more acquaintances and friends during young adulthood than any other time in our life.  As older adults, despite health concerns and increased disabilities, our life satisfaction is largely related to the quantity and quality of contact with friends.  The nature of our friendship is also likely to vary by our gender.  For women, friendships are often based on emotional sharing and confiding in each other.  For men, friendships are often based on shared activities or interests.

What does friendship mean to you? Do you seek out friends when you need to share important events in your life? Do you view a friend as someone who you can rely on to tell you the truth about situations and be with you through difficult times? Do you turn to a friend as someone to have fun with?

Whether it is to expandour circle of existing friends or to create a new network of support, friendships typically grow in three stages.  Each stage in the friendship reflects different levels of involvement.  First, people notice each other and make some judgments.  Here, they havemutual awareness. It is during this stage that we decide that this is a person that we would like to get to know more.  Second, we may choose to have surface contact. We may choose to have minimal self-disclosure and to be guided by social norms (e.g., set up a golf game, register for the same soccer team, etc.).  Joining classes, teams, and other common activity groups provides a comfortable structure as we expand our friendships.  These two stages of friendship building include the people most of us might call acquaintances.  However, in order to have a true and deeper level of friendship, we must move into a third stage ¾ from acquaintanceship to mutuality.  That is, with increased self-disclosure, we begin to develop a sense of commitment to each other, a set of private norms, and characteristics that we may associate with close friendships such as honesty, sincerity, and emotional support.  Friendship, like any other intimate relationship, requires time and nurturance to flourish.

Whether we have to work hard at making friends or even if it comes effortlessly, being aware that true friendship increases with self-disclosure may help you to challenge yourself to take the next step ¾ to be and have a true friend!

Links regarding friendships:

cyberparent.com/friendship/

www.shykids.com/shykidsfriends.htm

www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/families/BE907.html

www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/dadsbaby/8257.html

cyberparent.com/friendship/build.htm]]> http://www.synergea.ca/friendship-throughout-the-lifespan/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/secrets-about-stress/ http://www.synergea.ca/secrets-about-stress/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:53:25 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1780 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

With the arrival of summer, many Calgarians look forward to slipping into a vacation mode and easing up on the hectic pace they have maintained over the past six to nine months. There is no doubt that summer brings a lot of welcome change. Our children are home from school. Family vacations are often planned during July and August – this leads to lighter traffic patterns for those at home who are traveling to work. Many take advantage of the great weather and increase their physical activity levels by hiking, cycling, golfing, or enjoying other outdoor activities.

We don’t often think of welcome or exhilarating events, as being stressful – yet they can be. By definition, stress is any demand for change and it may be either positive or negative in nature. We experience the positive, “eustress,” whenever we integrate excitement, challenge, and pleasurable experiences like humor, play, recreation, relaxation, and enjoyment into our lives. Negative stress, or distress, develops when we are faced with challenges that seem to be quite threatening, dangerous, difficult, or “unfair” and when we are afraid that we cannot cope using the resources available to us. It is interesting to note that desirable life-changing events like moving to a new home, school, or job, getting married, finishing university, taking a vacation, or accomplishing a major achievement can have a surprising negative stress impact. Change creates uncertainty and individuals vary in their ability to adapt to the unknown.

Take a few moments while you are relaxing over the summer, to reflect about the changes you have experienced during the past year. As you do this, you may be surprised at the number of changes that have occurred during this time. It will be more meaningful if you write down each important change and think what each has meant to you. Notice the feelings you experience as you consider each one. Then look ahead to any changes you expect in the months to come and plan how you will cope with or manage each of these. What resources can you identify that you will use to manage each change? Don’t forget support that you could be available if needed from close friends, colleagues, and family. As you prepare for change, be aware of aspects of the events that you can control and of those that you cannot control. Whenever possible, know that you can choose to take on change that will enhance your life and choose to let other “opportunities” pass you by when they will add unnecessary stress. A simpler life is a less stressful life. As Toa Te Ching wrote:

To attain knowledge,add things every day.
To attain wisdom, remove things every day.

For additional information on managing stress follow the links at click on the following links:

www.counsel.ufl.edu/selfHelp/copingWithStress.asp

www.coping.org/growth/stress.htm

www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_burnout_causes.htm]]> http://www.synergea.ca/secrets-about-stress/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/preparing-for-back-to-school-with-a-heads-up-on-bullying/ http://www.synergea.ca/preparing-for-back-to-school-with-a-heads-up-on-bullying/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:51:19 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1778 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This come-back line is often given to children to use as a shield when they are the victim of verbal bullying.  Unfortunately, cruel words do have the power to inflict deep emotional and even physical pain.  And both the bully and the victim know it! Verbal abuse is the most prevalent and surreptitious form of bullying; in fact, seventy percent of bullying takes this form.   As our children prepare to return to school and to the larger social circles of that system, we know that at least one in seven children will be involved in bullying exchanges as either the bully or the victim.  The remainder of our children will be witnesses to the abuse.

We can better support and protect our children against verbal bullying if we are able to identify instances when language is being used as a weapon. Bullying stands out from teasing or rivalry in three ways.  There is one-sidedness to the exchange as the bully gives and the victim receives.  The bully intends to harm and then takes pleasure in witnessing the hurt.  Both the bully and the victim know that the experience will happen again and this creates fear in the victim and a sense of power in the bully.

Verbal bullying is easiest to recognize in its most blatant forms.  These include name-calling, taunting, gossiping, and the use of insulting or threatening remarks.  Bullying may also appear silently in body language in the form of eye-rolls, sighs, aggressive postures, or sneers. Other types of verbal bullying are frequently tolerated both at home and at school, perhaps because they are not widely recognized as being abusive.  For example, discounting statements that deliver a message that the target is less important or capable than the speaker can be viewed as verbal bullying.  Examples of discounts might include, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” “You think you know it all,” “You take everything too seriously” or “You always have something to complain about”.  Verbal bullying may also be delivered subtly as a joke when the joke is intended to expose sensitive or embarrassing information about the target.  A child subjected to this form of verbal bullying has the experience of being “laughed at” rather than having a chance to enjoy “laughing with” others who are present.

How can we help our children manage themselves when confronted with these types of bullying?  The most important first step needs to begin at home where children learn their fundamental life-lessons.  We know that children who have a solid sense of self-worth are less likely to be targeted by would-be bullies because they do not appear vulnerable.  Parents who use a respectful and encouraging manner with their children will enable their children to develop a healthy self-evaluation and self-confidence.  Teach children to use assertive rather than aggressive or passive behaviors in all of their relationships.  Since children will “do what you do”, show them how to be respectful and assertive individuals by modeling these behaviours in your exchanges with your partner or spouse, their siblings, and most importantly, with them.

Check these links for more information about bullying:

www.bullying.co.uk/

www.nobully.org.nz/advicek.htm

www.bullying.org

www.stopbullyingnow.com/]]> http://www.synergea.ca/preparing-for-back-to-school-with-a-heads-up-on-bullying/feed/ 0 http://www.synergea.ca/computer-games-and-children/ http://www.synergea.ca/computer-games-and-children/#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:49:25 +0000 admin http://www.synergea.ca/?p=1776 Continue Reading]]> - By Sharon Ashton and Raksha Dave-Gates (Counselling Psychologists)

As summer ends so does the opportunity to participate in many outdoor games and play.  In winter months, more and more children as well as adults may use computer and video games for recreation.  For some, these activities can become addictive and take over the time that is needed for homework, social and physical activity, family time, and even much needed sleep.  As parents, we can be more educated in the types of computer and video games we purchase for our children.  We know that not all computer and video games produce the same effects.

If we examine our children’s fascination with computer and video games within the context of play and substance dependence, we can assess when the game playing is normative and educational versus addictive.  Play is important for children’s development and learning.  During play, a child takes new knowledge and combines it with existing understanding to create new meanings and more complex understanding of the information.  Games are a common form of play and teach children valuable lessons (e.g., “to be successful, we must learn rules and procedures”).  Games teach these lessons without explicitly telling the child the information and allow learning to occur incidentally – through observation, repetition, social interaction with peers about the game, and problem-solving.

As buyers of these games, parents can be more strategic.  Research suggests that games which combine education and entertainment are positive.  Specifically, computer and video games that provide adequate and adaptive feedback on performance, have embedded cognitive strategies (e.g., repetition, rehearsal, paraphrasing, analogies and inferences), and animated graphics are good for development.  Also, they are good if they have a clear and specific goal, adequate level of complexity (not too hard or too easy), high speed, incorporate instruction, have some independence from physical laws (e.g. objects fly), and hold the child’s attention.  Research supports that these games have overall positive effects on school achievement (e.g., better attitude to learning, better self-concept), develop cognitive abilities (problem-solving, strategic planning, self-regulated learning, language acquisition), increase motivation towards learning (curiosity, challenge, control over learning), and increase attention and concentration.

Research also suggests that while there are positive effects of computer and video games, there are also negative effects.  Studies confirm that most of these games are at least, if not explicitly, aggressive (physical and verbal aggression) and children show an “acting out” reaction in the short-term.  These games are often gender biased as they favour masculinity and women are presented as victims rather than initiators of action.  Level of absorption or “immersion effect” is often a concern of parents due to the fear that the games hinder social and academic development.  Research suggests that computer and video games do not hinder participation in sports or other activities and in fact, this “immersion effect” is positive as it promotes attention and concentration skills that are extremely important in learning.

Computer and video games can, like anything else, be healthy when used in moderation.  It should be a red flag for you when you notice that your child is playing these games at the cost of other important social or recreational activities.  Similarly, be concerned if you notice that your child needs to spend more and more time on the games to get the same level of satisfaction.  Then it is probably time for a planful reduction in computer and video games and reintroduction to other forms of play.  With commitment and consistency parents can collaborate with their children to achieve this goal.

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